Never Fear, the Funeral Celebrant is Here!
So often, the bereaved, feel a sense of dread and worry in the build-up to meeting the funeral celebrant for the first time. They ask themselves:
What we say to this stranger?
What if we don’t like or trust them?
How can we remember everything we need to?
What does a funeral even entail?
What if we don’t know any readings or what songs to choose?
Will we just sit in silence and cry?
Who even should be there?
This is entirely understandable, especially if they have never been involved in the organising of a funeral before- it is a daunting prospect at a time when your feelings may be all over the place.
Perhaps, if you are planning one, whoever your celebrant is, I can put your mind at rest.
Firstly, it’s up to you (diaries allowing) when the first meeting takes place and where. During the first phone call, which won’t be long or stressful, I promise, we will establish these things with you. If you feel more comfortable meeting somewhere neutral, if it’s somewhere relatively peaceful, you can: most Funeral Directors have meeting rooms we can book, for example- if not, we come to you. If you work, ask for an evening meeting, and you can invite whoever you think will be helpful to the process- though the celebrant will ask for an indication of attendees beforehand.
As far as I’m concerned, if you want to sit in silence for a while, that’s okay. A celebrant will be gentle, introduce themselves, and explain the process ahead, but reassure you that you even if they bring a questionnaire, they don’t have to stick to it rigidly, so the memories and feelings flow.
And they will- trust the process! If you get stuck, the celebrant will have the skill to prompt you, and the good ones really listen. Active listening is deep and allows you the time to tell your loved one’s story, fully and with feeling. The celebrant may ask ‘tell me more’. They will see the anecdotes that are worth elaboration, so that the eulogy tells a rich and fascinating story- the highs, lows and curveballs of life.
A celebrant will usually write notes, so they don’t forget the details. They’re trained to do this, whilst simultaneously being present- professional empathy is crucial, and no one wants to look at the top of someone’s head when they’re sharing the most poignant of memories.
They talk you through the typical funeral plan: entry, welcome, reading, eulogy/tribute, reflection, committal (a memorial service without a coffin may not have this), closing words and exit- but there are no hard and fast rules, and if you want to play with the structure, you can.
You may have a solid list of readings, either published or written by one of you- that is fantastic but never worry if you don’t. A celebrant will have plenty of suggestions or will go away to find the perfect ones. I recently led a funeral for a lifelong fisherman and found a beautiful poem which symbolised him ‘casting off’ for the last time. Today, I led one full of little notes and letters from children and grandchildren- how beautiful to have YOUR words heard by mourners. Next week, I have a ceremony containing the verse form a birthday card sent by the husband who had passed, to his wife- you may worry that something like this doesn’t have the gravitas of a traditional, well-used poem, but in a way, it’s better, because it means something on a deeply personal level.
Of course, grief can challenge the mind and its memories. You may well forget several things during that first meeting. My advice is to hold it as early on as you can in the funeral planning process. This gives time for amendments and additions, or decisions about who’s going to read. You don’t have to fully commit, you can reflect, and the celebrant will be your support, getting that script just right, up until the ceremony day itself. The first draft will be sent in good time, and you own it- so don’t hold back if it doesn’t do what you intended.
If you don't have a Funeral Celebrant in mind, rememeber, Funeral Directors choose celebrants very carefully to suit you, based on your meeting with them. They all have their own styles and strengths and you could mention any attributes that you would like, during that meeting.
My style is one of unbiased, unconditional positive regard for you, delivered with warmth and curiosity. My job, my privilege, is to build a rapport with you and earn your trust- listening, learning, validating. I’m a trained leadership coach, so I know the value and the skill of active listening, and using open, pertinent questions to guide you along. I love honesty, and you don’t have to hold back with the cheeky, or painful bits. People are complex- no one is perfect and whilst we all have our gifts, we also have our flaws. I am skilled at crafting eulogies and tributes, that show this honesty, but in a way that is totally respectful.
So, in conclusion, try not to dread that first celebrant meeting- go with it, let your memories and feelings guide you. Don’t be afraid to cry, scream, or laugh- we’re there to hold you throughout the process, so you can grieve and prepare to say your fond farewells.
If you’re looking for a funeral celebrant who 'has your back', get in touch for that first call, and we can cocreate a very special ceremony for your loved one.
Tel: 07833221201
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